Right Now

I look at my pictures of Max everyday and kiss them. Once in the morning, and then once in the afternoon while at work. I keep the same roll of pictures on my phone, but I don’t have all of them.

It’s like, there are certain folders of his pictures I look at more sparingly, so that way I can check them out when I miss him the most and it’s almost like new pictures because I don’t remember them as well as the ones I see everyday.

Even though I definitely looked through every scrap of him for his funeral slideshow etc, sometimes the pictures can still feel like new. Like I barely remember the below but I adore it.

Temperature Time

At least it wasn’t the old fashioned way…

And don’t even get me started on the videos. Seeing his little chest move up and down. Wow.

It’s damn tough and it doesn’t stop.

Merry Christmax

Christmas time can be very hard and stressful. It’s especially difficult because we all miss our angel baby Max so much, and wish he was here with us to hug, and kiss, and shower with presents.

But, the next best thing we can do to honor our monkey boy is decorate his house for the season.

Keri did an awesome job adding stuff for Maxy boy so he has the best stone of all:

 

Then, in typcal Grandma fashion, my mom showed up bringing loads more presents:

Maxy boy is going to get spoiled. Also, he’s being featured in ornaments:

 

A real life Angel for the tree!

Merry Christmas, Max.

P.S. – He also comes in cuddly blanket form.

Six Month Birthday

I just wanted to mark today because it’s the 6-month birthday of our little Maxy angel boy. Six months ago he was presented to me all wrapped up and beautiful with those pouty lips.  I miss him so much and kiss his pictures multiple times a day, and think about him watching me when I see a cloud or a star. Love forever and ever.

When they first presented him to me.

Like A Rolling Stone

Max finally got his high-powered, super-cool, extra unique tombstone it. If I didn’t love him so much, I’d steal it and hang it in my own room.

Feel The Power

Smooth

 

Instagrammed

I think it turned out wonderfully. I’m not in the business of offending Max’s friends in BabyLand, but he’s definitely rocking the greatest marking. I went out there Friday, and just laid on it, and cried, and cried, and my remember my baby and how much I miss him and hope he can see me.  I laid right where he’s buried and there’s a pretty nice view.

He gets lots of cool babies around him, and there’s a nice sky and a tree:

Max’s Trees

I think Max would sign off on this deal.

Or maybe his official signature can now be:

Pretty classy.

Sidenote: Apparently today is Pregnancy and Infancy Lost Remember Day.
Obviously, it’s something we remember everyday and will forever, but a lot of other family similar consequences, with miscarriages, or stillbirths, or just infant death.

I’m forever grateful for my 16 days with Max. I’m still drawing favorite memories for, he’s my hero.  And that’s why I still want to keep his story up to date. helluva kid who touched a lot of people hearts. Support others know who have gone through something similar , and realize there’s really not much worse a person could go through.

Just FYI and you live near the Houston Area, Max hangs out in Babyland at Memorial Oaks Funeral Home and cemetery. You can tell him because he has a Polish and American flag. He would like grave decorations like animals or dragons or giraffes, but stuff that can stand the weather.I felt so good after laying with him, maybe others can too.

From Keri

Keri hasn’t really gotten involved with Max as far as the digital world goes. She prefers doing things like putting his pictures in frames, organizing awesome things for him, and feeding him breastmilk. But, without my foreknowledge, she added a guestbook post to this site the other day that should really be highlighted. It’s directed towards Max and echoes many of my sentiments. I loved it and hope she continues:

Hey, my little angel buddy. Just want to tell you how very much we love and miss you!!! Mommy and Daddy are getting better now, I hope you don’t worry about us when you look down on us from heaven. We wanted you more than anything in this while world but are so happy you are safe and perfect. Thank you for fighting to be with us. You made our lives a million times better than we could have ever imagined them being before we met you. You are so strong and brave, my little man. There’s a lot you didn’t get to do down here but you did get to experience the very best part of life, which is being loved ABSOLUTELY UNCONDITIONALLY. And not just by your parents, but by your grandparents and aunts and uncles and the rest of your family and friends and nurses and doctors and even people who were never lucky enough to meet a cool dude like you. Whenever we do something good with our lives, know that it is to honor (daddy would want me to spell it honour) you. You were a wonderful son and your future brothers and sisters will know all about you and be glad to have their big brother watching over them. I don’t know much about heaven, just that you’re there now and I hope one day I make it there to meet you and know you better. I love you, monkey.

Due Date

Yesterday was Max’s original due date. Luckily, we didn’t have to wait that long to meet him.

We’ve gotten a good load of sympathy cards, which I always appreciate, but this one especially struck me.

It’s from an old friend I met in 5th grade (Katie) and her mom:

little dude

Back when Max was in the NICU and everything was alright, and everyone was assured that he’d be coming home one day, I was just hoping that he’d be with me in time for football season. We could sit in our Cowboys gear and be buddies and cuddle and watch all the games. Unfortunately, we never got that chance.

But in his short time, Max did become everything I ever wanted in a son… a great little dude who loved his dad very much.

His Stuff

I found this in the mail today:

Pretty intriguing. I opened it up and it was about his insurance:

One might think that I’d complain about it. Say something about how the insurance company should review their policy on sending letters to newborns, especially ones that have since gone into Angel-mode.

But, no. It made me happy. Really happy. It reminds me that he was here on earth. That he made an impact. That he had stuff.

This is his letter.
About his insurance.
Just the same as his diapers.
And his blankets.
And his presents.
And his hat.
And his gown.
And his monkey toy.
His poop.
His feet.
His hands.
His eyes.
His voice.

All of it. All of it was here, and all of it was real. And all of it is always his.

2 Months

Happy two month birthday to Max the Baby! A landmark day in my lifestory, to say the least.
We visited his grave today and it still has all the cool stuff I put up the other day, despite the rain. My makeshift lamination technique worked.

I’ve yet to get my commemoratory tattoo yet, but it will be Max’s handprint eventually, when I get the onions to go to the place and ask for it.

We’ve also yet to order the tombstone, but I’m hoping the lyric “The Earth Looks Better From A Star That’s Right Above From Where You Are” fits.

It’s been a 1.5 months since Max went to Angel-mode but the crying’s simmered down and there’s more of a blissful happiness when looking at and kissing his pictures. Got some book recommendations on grief and losing kids, but I haven’t gotten around to reading most yet. Counseling and just general time have helped though.

Love you, Mega Max the Super Angel Baby Boy.

P.S. – Stuff’s still coming in like the other day a really nice sympathy card spearheaded by I think my friend Miller signed by Nederland people. Really appreciate every gesture like that.

P.P.S – Before this all happened, I never knew how I’d react to this kind of situation, and people have told me, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” and the like, and even with the benefit of hindsight, I barely know how I’ve come through it. But I realize there’s still a lifetime to go.

Grave Remodeling

We still hadn’t gotten around to ordering Max’s official tombstone, but I want to make sure his resting place looks as awesome as he was. I went and did some work on it today.

The giraffe represents his Giraffe-A NICU Unit, the dragon because it’s a symbol of Krakow, and the Angel because he’s my little angel.

Also, since I had to go to the Polish store to get the Polish flag anyway, I gave him a bit of good Polish juice to drink.

Yummy.

There seemed to be a procession about to go on, so I don’t know what the people there thought of a guy in tears running to a grave to pour carrot juice on it, and then running back to his car, but it can remain a mystery to them.

Additionally with my mom in Poland, she did Max the favor of letting him meet up with his grandma at my grandparent’s grave.

Max at my grandma’s grave in Poland.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I’ve yet to get my Max tattoo, but it’s coming. And I still got some Max stories locked-and-loaded to tell. And maybe some as of yet unpublished Max video. Kid made a big impression in his 16 days and I couldn’t be prouder.

Some Funeral Pictures

I’ve added some pictures of Max’s funeral here: http://maxthebaby.com/selected-funeral-pics/

Again, thanks so much for everyone who came out. It really was a beautiful event befitting for such a beautiful boy.

I didn’t post any picture of Max himself in his funeral costume because he’s shy, but I want to give a special thanks to www.preemiepride.com where I bought his burial gown.

I’m hoping to get one in my size when it’s my time to go.