Oh Maxy boy, how has it been ten years already? So much has changed since the day I became your Mommy, but so many things are the same.

10 years later, when something wonderful happens, I am struck to my core with gratefulness that the path that led me here, to this life, began with knowing you.

10 years later, you are my moral compass whenever I’m not sure if I have what it takes to do the right but hard thing.

10 years later, when I need to calm myself, the memory I still conjure up is you crawling up my chest, clenching my finger, letting out a throaty little cry.

10 years later, when I can’t sleep, I wonder if I could have, should have done more, stayed with you more and never once taken my eyes off you all the days that you lived.

10 years later, I still wonder who you would have grown up to be, what would have been uniquely you, what from me and what from your Daddy.

Those things are the same and somehow after ten years I don’t think they’re going anywhere, but…there’s new stuff too.

I have a lot of love in my life again, a lot of joy. A husband who throws you a birthday party every year. Two beautifully spirited girls who call you their stepbrother, who make you birthday cards, who leave space for you in their family drawings, who wonder aloud if you would be taller than them or blonder than them, who when I call myself a Stepmother, remind me that I’m a Mom in my own right too.

I get to live in a beautiful place, Maxy. A place with magical animals, breathtaking views and an ancient history that just emanates from its ground. A place filled with people who value family and celebrate humanity in all its forms.  

Something makes me think that my life just might make another big turn this year. Just so you know, Grunt, I did notice your little signs and I did remember that dream the next morning. So here we are, back to what hasn’t changed – what has never, will never change is that when I’m walking towards my hopes and dreams, they are fully grounded in my love and respect for you.

Thank you, my precious, perfect son for your time with me and even in your absence now, for inspiring me to be better than I am and braver than I thought I could be.

Happy birthday my monkey,

Mom